The Man Rules

[coachmatt]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear “THE RULES”
From the female side.



Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1”
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.... If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

=0 A1. Sunday sports.. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days..


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both..
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,football or the meat business!




1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1.. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping

[REALLY]

Revised by the wife

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear “THE RULES”
From the female side.



Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1”
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

This is the understatement of the century!!! Women have clearly expected far to much from the opposite sex. Having the ability to pick up on any emotion other then anger is far to much for anyone to carry on their shoulders.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.... If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

OK, this is an oldie but a goodie. When something is opened you close it. (just like the fridge when you get a beer!) Then something is on you turn it off. (like the TV when the show with jumping girls is over.) Toilets all over the world are mass produced with LIDS!!!! There is a unique reason for this and as hard as it may be for some I know that if you think real hard you can figure out why.

=0 A1. Sunday sports.. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

What you idiots don't understand is that woman are not mad about Sunday sports..... it's the NOTHING you got done the day before. (i.e- mow, wash car, take out the trash, fix a few little things around the house we have been asking about for weeks, play with the kids(gasp) for more then 20 minutes.) It doesn't even have to be all of these things just pick a few.

1. Crying is blackmail.

Someone should have pulled you aside in high school and explained emotions. There are more then Happy (like when your team wins) and Angry (when they loose)

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

This is a great idea! Too bad a woman didn't think of that! OH.... WAIT! She did and millions of others as well. Sadly, none of the 'scratchers and grunter' think words that come out of a womens mouth are of value if they aren't "dinner is ready", "here's your remote", or anything that could be interpreted as slang for bedroom activity.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

YES! we want you to pick up your socks. NO! 'The dutch oven" isn't funny.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Too bad that 99.9% of the time YOU are the problem... and your right about the girlfriends.... it's nothing a few margaritas cant handle........ until next time because there WILL BE a next time.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days..

We would agree to that if when you find your butt in the doghouse DO NOT make promises you have NO intention of keeping just to get yourself back into our good graces.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

The elastic in your underwear is SHOT and Dunlap has taken over! Be a big boy and go buy yourself some new stuff in a larger size and stop waiting on the 'clothes fairy' (often the same as the dinner and maid fairy) to do it for you.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Fence-sitters!

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both..

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. When in documented history have either worked out? And besides, you dont want us cutting down a tree anymore then we want you to give us a manicure!

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

We try not to talk to you at all. How the hell do you think a Honey-Do list got started? Idiots!!

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

He also went the wrong way and "discovered" the wrong country!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

Much like the law.... ignorance is not an acceptable excuse!

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

Whatever... just stop embarrassing the family in public.... there are private places to do those things.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. Like the answer to an above remark I cant be specific about since the moron that made this list cant count higher then one.... we say nothing because if we said YOU then we are being 'bitchy' and trying to start a fight.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Webster's Dictionary. Look up the word Retorical!!!

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

If you had any sense you would know we are just hoping, for a change, when we walk into a room dressed and ready to leave you will comment... without any prompting... on how nice we look. Surely you didn't think we were asking for fashion advice from you?

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,football or the meat business!

Sadly, this is true ladies! The waters are VERY SHALLOW!!!!!

1. You have enough clothes.

says the man with 19 pair of underwear.... all unacceptable.

1. You have too many shoes.

says the man with too many tools, sports equipment, girly mags. etc...

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

HIPOCRIT!!! Big, fat, stinky, sweaty,hairy HIPOCRIT!

1.. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

try outside.... for a week.


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping it's not about punishing you as it is REWARDING ourselves....

Contrary to your beliefs, your snoring is nothing like the gentle waves of the ocean. And we wont even go into a peaceful night without all the farting, scratching and other less then desirable behavior.

[SkidMarks]

Wow, Mrs Really is one fiesty broad...Errr, beautiful young lady...

SM

[Vagrant99]

With all due respect, The toilet doesnt come with a seat or a lid. These are purchased seperate from the toilet, And you can purchase it with a lid or without.