Need advice/reactions

[DirtOnTheInfield]

This is not my first time posting here, but I want to be anonymous. I'm feeling really deflated as a softball parent to the point that I've lost interest. There's a lot of wisdom here so I hope I can find some help/support.

DD is a good softall player. Not a stud, but among the better players on the field. She's smart on the field and in the classroom. Every coach that has had her in any sport loves her. She's very coachable. But this past HS season had taken a toll on her and us, her parents.

Things started off good. DD is a freshman. She was double rostered, and told that she would play a lot of JV and dress for varsity on occasion. The coach laid out a plan for her that included her starting varsity next year.

The head coach is a very rules kind of guy. He has a lot of rules and follows them very strictly. I have no problem with that. I like things being spelled out. One of his rules is that if you miss a practice or a game, you will be benched. We saw that in action during the first game of the season, when several varisty girls, some of them starters, were benched because they skipped practices to go on spring break vacations with their families.

DD is involved in another school activity that she really enjoys. When a conflict came up with softball, DD and one other girl went to the coach to ask if they could miss a practice for the other school activity. Unfortunately, they went to talk to him the day before. The coach didn't like it, and asked them if they could get out of it. They told him they couldn't. They both missed the practice, and both sat on the bench for the next JV game. Not only that, but DD was not allowed to dress for varsity at the next opportunity.

Things seemed to get better. DD began dressing for varsity again. But then another conflict with the same school activity came up, this time with a JV only softball game (varsity did not play that night). This time we advised DD to talk to the JV coaches well in advance. And, not to worry about how the other player affected was going to handle it. So DD went to the JV coaches and instead of telling them she would miss a game, she asked how she should handle this conflict. The JV coaches assured her that they made allowances for school activities, and it was alright to miss the game.

At the school activity, DD learned that the other girl played the game, AND made it to the school activity, although she was late. DD was mortified to the point of tears. Sure enough, the head coach vetoed the JV coaches decision and benched DD for two games. She did not dress for varsity even though other double rostered girls were doing so regularly.

Then it gets even weirder. DD finally decided to give up the other school activity next school year. When the teacher in charge of the activity found out, the teacher got upset and went to the AD and the principal. The principal called DD into his office to make sure he got the story straight, then went to the softball coach. I later ran into the principal at a softball game, and he told me (totally unsolicited - I didn't ask him about it) that the school does not support the softball coach's policy when it comes to conflicting school activities.

Oh boy. So DD is definitely out of the loop in dressing for varsity. Come tournament time, all the girls who were double rostered, and a few JV girls who were not, dress for the tournament -- except DD. She sits in the stands and watched. The message could not have been any clearer.

So here is what I'm feeling. First, I understand where the coach is coming from. The message he is getting about DD is that softball is not a top priority for her, and if she's not 100% committed to softball, then he's not going to commit to her. But I'm also feeling really deflated and afraid that we have really gotten on the wrong foot here. And that next year, softball will be the priority (and the teacher in the other activity has already expressed a willingness to work around softball). But I just can't even think about softball, even TB, without feeling anxious.

Here is my question: Do I as a parent contact the coach and try to clear the air about this? I want to let him know that we as parents did not push this issue. I want him to know that DD will make softball the priority next year. I hope I can just mend some fences here that don't need to be broken. Should I talk to the coach?

[Skarp]

No, you should not talk to the coach. If something needs to be addressed, dd should talk to him directly.

[KekambuS]

No, you should not talk to the coach. If something needs to be addressed, dd should talk to him directly.

Im with Skarp on this one.

[Joe]

No, you should not talk to the coach. If something needs to be addressed, dd should talk to him directly.

Im with Skarp on this one.

Kumbaya...you got it down man! If it's okay, I'd like to join you with your opinion that Skarp has indeed offered good advice. Talking to the coach will bring hell fire and damnation....

....that is, unless DD and daddy dearest are willing to walk away.

[hotwheels]

No, you should not talk to the coach. If something needs to be addressed, dd should talk to him directly.

Im with Skarp on this one.

I agree as well.....She should talk to him directly without your involvement.......It is HER situation and the coach will (SHOULD) have great respect for her coming to him directly......I know I would.......

I automatically go into a bad place every time some kids parent walks up and asks me if I have a minute......

[almosthuman]

Why are your feelings on the matter so important. How does your DD feel about softball now and in the future?

[Missinit]

"Things seemed to get better. DD began dressing for varsity again. But then another conflict with the same school activity came up, this time with a JV only softball game (varsity did not play that night). This time we advised DD to talk to the JV coaches well in advance. And, not to worry about how the other player affected was going to handle it. So DD went to the JV coaches and instead of telling them she would miss a game, she asked how she should handle this conflict. The JV coaches assured her that they made allowances for school activities, and it was alright to miss the game."

The Varsity coach benched her for JV games?

Is this normal at most of schools?
At DD's school Varsity as no say over what go's on with JV.

Depends on the coach, some coach's are reasonable and some can be spiteful... ESPECIALLY when their dealing with a 14 yo girl as apposed to an adult.

DD need's to decide how important it is and if it's worth any possible risk.

One thing I do tell my DD is that if you know the consequences and you do it anyway you deserve what you get, learn from it and move on.
What happened to someone else is irrelevant.

[DirtOnTheInfield]

Why are your feelings on the matter so important. How does your DD feel about softball now and in the future?

I mentioned that DD had already decided to drop the other activity and focus on softball. Softball has always been her favorite, she's played for years, and this is her fourth year in TB.

I know she's hurt and confused by what has happened. When she found out she wasn't dressing for the tournament, she said, "I'm not good enough." I'm her father, and if that doesn't break my heart then what kind of parent am I?

I appreciate the advice about not talking to the coach. I didn't feel in my gut that it was the right thing to do. So many things could go terribly wrong during that discussion. We'll take next year as it comes. She has three more years of HS ball so hopefully this issue will fade.

[DirtOnTheInfield]

One thing I do tell my DD is that if you know the consequences and you do it anyway you deserve what you get, learn from it and move on.
What happened to someone else is irrelevant.

I guess that's one thing that is bothering me. I feel like that I didn't give her very good guidance during this whole thing. On one hand, I don't want to be that kind of helicopter parent, but I feel like I should have given her better advice.

[SkinnyFats]

Are you sure your daughter really prefers softball to the other school activity?

Edit - while I was posting you may have already answered this. I'm still not sure of her preference based on the OP however.