Abusive Treatment

[Bill_B]

In an effort to establish credibility regarding this missive I say that I am 58 years old and have two daughters, a wife, two sisters, a mother who passed just two years ago, no brothers or sons, and my father passed when I was 23. I served as President of a 500 player girls’ softball league in So Cal for three years and coached both spring season and all-star teams for eight years. I’ve been involved with travel in So Cal now for three years. As a result, my familiarity with the issues faced by women is relatively comprehensive though I cannot claim empathy, having never faced the same sorts of problems. My sentiments are extremely sympathetic!

Hopefully, I have imparted to the many female players I have coached the notion that there must be respect for the game, respect for opponents, and respect for teammates. Players on teams who respect the game, opponents, teammates, and team leadership tend to fare well in nearly all subsequent endeavors. With respect come diligence, tenacity, eagerness, and honor.

When I gave up being a head coach my search for a good organization was successful. My family and I consider ourselves very fortunate to be associated with a travel organization that engenders all of these principles.

Times have changed. Many years ago women were considered chattel that could be beaten or killed at worst and abused verbally at best. Women could not vote in the US until 1920. One need only look around to see how the efforts of fair-minded and courageous persons over the years have improved opportunities and changed attitudes.

It is not acceptable to abuse women either physically or verbally. As parents of young girls and women we should be ensuring that our daughters do not, under any circumstances, tolerate any sort of abusive or disrespectful treatment. It matters not from whom the abuse originates. It is simply not acceptable!

What are we teaching our daughters when we allow coaches to raise their voices angrily and castigate players in a manner that can only be characterized as abusive? What would we do if a school teacher were to treat our daughters the way some of these coaches do? Are we telling our daughters that it is permissible to accept abuse in some cases? What happens when our daughters are involved with a relationship and the person with whom they are involved is abusive? Will they tolerate that sort of abuse? I think we know where that sort of abuse leads.

I was a Drill Sergeant in the US Army from 1970 to 1974. I know what abusive treatment sounds and looks like. I am appalled by the way some of these coaches treat their players. That, however, is not nearly as surprising as the fact that some parents allow their daughters to be treated in this way.

There are some very good coaches out there in travel land and we all want our daughters to get the best coaching they can. Is great but abusive coaching worth it? In the long run, I think not.

[farmboy]

Our H.S. raises his voice. Doesn't bother me as I know he would treat boys the same way.

So he yells a little. Big deal.

[9'sDad]

Well, I'm 45 and played ball for 15 years up to college ball where I found I could'nt hit a curveball. End of career quickly. Don't know where you came up but being hollered at and frequently cursed at was a daily occurrence. We did'nt much LIKE our coach but I promise you we respected him. Knew his stuff and expected NO LESS from his players. As my parents always told me "don't take it personal, he's trying to make you better!" If the berating is not personal and has to do with the play on the field, so be it. No cursing now a days of course, (not in the old days) but with a coach on your ass for slack play, you do tend to FOCUS! My DD does better with the more demanding coaches. Now a day the players have a LOT more distractions, and extracurricular activities. You have to weed out the committed and uncommitted. This year alone we've cut loose 2 girls that didn't exhibit the committment needed for us to succeed. Remember, this is TB, the players, parents, coaches have all committed to creating a competitive team. Verbal beration is the least of our worries. DD handles it well and so do we. I promise you if you have ever seen our coach and not knew him, you would think he was nuts. He demands a high level of play and goes off with any MENTAL errors or lack of attention. Consequently we've seen quite a lot less of those problems. These young ladies will be in the work force soon enough and if they can't handle criticism, Good Luck! Most players, parents and coaches won't put up with "wasting our time". JMO Mark

[Skarp]

Times have changed. Many years ago women were considered chattel that could be beaten or killed at worst and abused verbally at best. Women could not vote in the US until 1920. One need only look around to see how the efforts of fair-minded and courageous persons over the years have improved opportunities and changed attitudes.

More drivel. What is this, lefty talking points day?

Newsflash: Women are the stronger sex, and they always have been. If anything we are at an historic nadir when it comes to male-female "abuse" and disrespect.

[Skarp]

Nadir
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The nadir (from Arabic ندير nadeer نظير nathir, "opposite") is the astronomical term for the point directly below the observer, or more precisely, the point with an inclination of −90°. In simple terms, if you are standing on the Earth, it is the direction "down" toward your feet.[1]

Geometrically, it is the point on the celestial sphere intersected by a line drawn from the observer's location on the Earth's surface through the center of the Earth. The point opposite the nadir is the zenith. Nadir also refers to a downward-facing viewing angle of an orbiting satellite[2], such as is employed during remote sensing of the atmosphere, as well as when an astronaut faces the Earth while performing an EVA.

The word is also used figuratively to mean the lowest point of a person's spirits.

Not to be confused with Nader, who is merely the lowest point in American political thought.

(Although dear Ralph probably agrees with Bill B here that today's record illegitimacy rates, welfare moms, deadbeat dads, gangsta rap "B**ch & Ho" mentality, etc., do indeed constitute "improved opportunities" for women resulting from "the efforts of fair-minded and courageous persons over the years." Tough to argue with that.).

[NuNu's Dad]

Good morning Bill. Hope all is well with everyone.

I originally read your missive and assumed I clicked on page two of a longer thread. On closer inspection that was not the case.

Regarding the question, "Is great but abusive coaching worth it?". I would agree with your response, No. I have never had a player play better due to having their butt chewed out. I think the girls get a little embarrassed, and it distracts them from their play. Of course no one is a saint and everyone reacts to frustration occasionally in ways in which we aren't proud.

That said, a consistent pattern of yelling and screaming when things aren't going the coach's way is the grown up (or not so grown up) equivalent of the four year old yelling and screaming on the floor of the grocery store, because mom won't buy the cereal with the toy inside.

There are a couple of coaches around that everyone agrees are abusive, but they have no trouble getting players. I just don't get that. Guys like Tony Rico have shown that abusive behavior is not necessary to get the kids to perform.

My own DD is harder on herself than any coach could ever be, and doesn't need a coach to tell her she is playing poorly on a day when that is true. She is well aware of it, and is trying to correct it.

These old relics need to be put out to pasture.


Skarp: Bill has never been described as a lefty. I would put him closer to the other end of the spectrum!

[Tucson]

I and my DD have played for several excellent coaches, none ever thought it necessary to yell at young ladies.

Ladies, please run from a coach, a BF, a husband or a boss that needs to yell in order to communicate.

[DonnieS]

>> Ladies, please run from a coach, a BF, a husband or a boss that needs to yell in order to communicate. <<

Replace "Ladies" with "People" and add "a wife", before "a husband".

[texasfastpitch]

I am a mother of 2 daughters, both play for coaches that are very demanding. I have heard others comment on their coaching style as being too harsh. I don't happen to agree. Both my girls love their coaches and have great respect for them, as do the other players on the team. Having high expectations is not a bad thing. Telling a player "good try honey" when they just half-a$$ed it on the field, it not doing that player any good. Our coaches tell the girls great job when they do well, but also let them know it when they aren't getting the job done. Players have to be mentally tough in order to thrive in a demanding program, and those who are not will likely struggle no matter what type of program they are in.

[DonnieS]

>> Telling a player "good try honey" when they just half-a$$ed it on the field, it not doing that player any good. <<

Nobody said that.

>> Having high expectations is not a bad thing. <<

If you think it takes a big mouth during a game to have 'high expectations', here's something for you to do. Go visit some college campuses or coaches where their teams regularly make the College World Series, a 'high expectation' in most peoples book, and watch the way those top of the top coaches behave. I have seen a butt chewing by various of these coaches - I havent heard it - but I could tell it was going on. The examples that are set by those coaches is what all of us p/a travel coaches should follow.