Softball fan stereotypes

[ECSB]

Ok, so I am at my DD's game today and decided that instead of bashing the H.S. coaches, we should pick on the fans - Where do you fit in:

Right field fence guy: Can't stand all the parent's chit chat - sits as far down the right field fence and as far away ask he can - also helps in keeping mouth shut.

Clueless mom - has no idea of what the game of softball is - yells wrong instructions like "Why aren't you leading - take a lead" - when the pitcher still has the ball.

Brain Trust - a group of three or more Dads, usually former rec-ball coaches, that second guess all the coaches decisions and yell instructions to the players

Pacer - can be a mom or dad, can't stand to watch the game, nervously paces the sidelines back and forth, back and forth.

New to town Mom - Mom who tells everyone in earshot how great her kid is and how the team from the town she moved in was much better, had better coaching, and how her kid formerly was the shortstop who batted 4th when she wasn't pitching and catching.

Yelly Dad - usually divorced (for a reason) yells at his kid and the umpires. No one sits close.

Too proud Grandma - Grandma of one of the travel kids on the team, talks travel all the time, how much better it is than high school, and how the play is just so beneath her darling grand daughter - did you know she is being looked at by Harvard for a full scholarship?

Candy Mom - always has candy for the kids and parents, during and after the game. Doesn't really care about the game, just the candy. You want a tootsie pop?

Uptight Career Parent - shows up halfway through the fifth in their BMW, wears suit and heels that sink into turf if woman. On cell phone arguing through the inning and a half that they are there.

Fat Trainer - Trainer, approximately 50 lbs overweight, lives for football but tolerates other sports because that is how he gets paid. Rides the golf cart like its a Mustang rag-top. The wind would blow through his hair if he had any.

I forget anyone?

[CharlieHough]

I am a brain trust candy toting(Good and Plenty) pacer, sometimes in right field.

Fat Trainer - Trainer, approximately 50 lbs overweight

50 lbs minimum.......In my circle.....they are called BUCKET CRUSHERS

[wadeintothem]

I forget anyone?

Yeah, about half of em

Platitudious - This softball parent has learned all of the cliche's and sqawks them constantly thinking they are helping and pretending they actually know something about softball - some favorites are "keep your head in there" or it's cousin "dont pull your head", not to mention "you have to charge that one", "run all the way through" "wait for it" etc etc.

Of course, they typically help their kid the most when they yell "watch for the change" just before she gets whiffed by a rise ball.

"BlueInTheStands" - Blue in the stands believes his job is to make calls. "Strike" "SAFE!!!" ohhhhh where did that miss blue?" "blue whats the count?". His team is always safe and would never not swing at a strike. In fact that is how he knows you just blew a strike call on his team - she didnt swing! How could it have been a strike then?

Hey shawdup, youre in the stands.

"Gun Slinging grampy" Gun slinging grampy can usually be found stalking the back stop with his radar gun checking the speed of his 12U 2nd stringer. I had one a few weeks ago literally tell me straight to my face "60" when I asked him how fast the 12U pitcher was throwing. Dream on.

"Helpy Helperton" Helpy Helperton also loves to sit close to the back stop. His job is to catch onto some secret aspect of the game - a steal sign, a pitching sign, a batter weakness, a clue to the zone - then promptly run over to the coach to advise him of this new tid bit of intel. The coach invariably nods knowingly and ignores him. Helpy helperton goes back to his cement seat stalking every sign and whisper for advantage, satisfied that he personnally has tipped the balance of power.

"Star Techy" Star Techy guy is a recent addition to the softball fan. They are replacing "pitchers mommy with the score book" and now can be found as bald fat guys on laptops tracking every detail while talking into a blue light protruding out of their ear.

"Instant replay guy" - Instant replay guy loves to run up to the umpire between innings with his 2"x2" fuzzy camera LCD and try to prove to you you just blew that call. They can be found usually stalking the sidelines, sneaking into fair territory when ever they can - with the 2 foot long camera attached to their face.

"Mumbly" Mumbly lives up to her name. Never an overt complainer - just sits their mumbling after every call. Mumbly loves it when you talking with the coach near her so she can mumble her input on the sly. Mumbly usually has a blanket wrapped around her legs.

"Joker Smoker" Joker smoker is the idiot that smokes near the field in middle of the game. Joker Smoker cant help it.. Joker cannot wait even for a moment to burn one. For whatever reason, this mope covers up the cigarette in their cupped hand as if it helps.

"Pitchers Advocate:" This parent is extra cool. This parent loves to be friendly and talk to the umpire whenever possible - typically kissing serious ass - earning themselves "brownie points" by being very cool in a sea of mean.. and of course, perhaps that key one pitch. I for one appreciate Pitcher's Advocate.

"Imablue2" : Imablue2 will laud you with stories of how they once umpired a Tball game 26 years ago for a hot dog and a soda - but gave it up. Those knees can be pesky things. Usually the first to claim things like "hands are part of the bat". "When did they change that?" is another favorite of Imablue2.

"ISpeakySpanglish" : ISpeakySpanglish loves to talk in spanish to their DD .. I once saw one tell their kid to hit the catcher with the bat because the catcher was too close.

"Fat Bastard" - Fat bastard love to yell violent things into the field. "Next time she is in your way knock her down". "Throw it right at her". Typically found with a straw hat and sandals - Fat Bastard also preys upon the umpire - loudly complaining about calls in between bites of hot dog. On the rare occassion that he actually agrees with the out call of their DD.. He will commence to castigating her.

"Personal Trainer" Personal Trainer is the personal coach of their DD. Following her into the dug out with the "Fix" to why she just struck out. Talking to her every play, every pitch, every at bat - walking the fence lines to get closer to her for her personal between pitch lesson. Personal Trainer is often seen telling his wife before the game "Honey I wont be sitting with you much but I'll be right over there". Thankful for that, she sends him away to perform his duties.

Thats a few off the top of my head...

[Lefty's Dad]

These are cracking me up because we all know these people and see them at every ballpark
I will admit to being both "instant replay guy" and "Joker Smoker" although never at the same time Once made the mistake (few years ago) and showed DD's coach a pic I got, well he was so fired up to begin with that he took the camera ON THE FIELD to show the umpire! That didn't go over very well to say the least. I never cup my hands over my cigarette unless I am standing next to a "No smoking in park" sign You know, because then no one will notice or maybe they'll just think my hand is on fire.

[wadeintothem]

Right field fence guy: Can't stand all the parent's chit chat - sits as far down the right field fence and as far away ask he can - also helps in keeping mouth shut.

Almost forgot one!!!

RF Fence guy's cousin "Eagle Eye Guy" - found in the same place. His job is to heckle the Base Umpire about calls from 250 feet away.

I once had a new umpire ask me if he could eject a guy who was already out of the park. I said "who" He indicated Eagle Eye guy - sitting in the back of a pickup parked by the RF fence - wouldnt leave him alone on any call and was complaining about every pitch I called.

You gotta enjoy eagle eye guy, not respond to him. Any one who can see that good deserves some credit.

[3Bsnag]

Right field fence guy: Can't stand all the parent's chit chat - sits as far down the right field fence and as far away ask he can - also helps in keeping mouth shut.

Definitely me.

It doesn't help keep my mouth shut though. I just can't get in trouble if no one hears me.

Being an outfield dweller serves many other purposes too.
- no one can hear me talk negatively about their kid
- no one can hear me talk negatively about my kid
- smoking area
- sometimes where the really juicy stuff is said from a really pissed off parent that paced way too far
- offers view of game on adjacent field if your game is ugly or changing innings
- field ump usually comes for a visit and/or a new water bottle

And no, we don't want company. Please stay in the stands if you have a problem with the above rules.

[3Bsnag]

I would also like to submit:

The Control Freak Team Mom- usually heads all fundraisers, has something in her softball purse to sell you, and is dressed from head to toe in team name and colors. Could be substituted on the field at any time.

Scouter Scott- is seen at own daughters game for @ 5 minutes, but can give you the scouting report on every other game going on at the same time. Usually ends up questioning the coach on why we don't do something the way XXX team does it.

[wadeintothem]

At Louis Park - a field where the umpires have a TV in our dressing area, we have a unique parent type - the "UmpiresBFF".

He likes to sneak into our area and catch the race, or final four, or bb or whatever we are watching. Suddenly the UmpiresBFF is our long lost buddy like a Oprah reunion. After some minutes he will hurry off, typically after an embarrassing phone call where he just got busted.

[MoeFoes]

Right field fence guy: Can't stand all the parent's chit chat - sits as far down the right field fence and as far away ask he can - also helps in keeping mouth shut.

Almost forgot one!!!

RF Fence guy's cousin "Eagle Eye Guy" - found in the same place. His job is to heckle the Base Umpire about calls from 250 feet away.

I once had a new umpire ask me if he could eject a guy who was already out of the park. I said "who" He indicated Eagle Eye guy - sitting in the back of a pickup parked by the RF fence - wouldnt leave him alone on any call and was complaining about every pitch I called.
I've got a few...
"Da Blue noser" or the "Umpire Picker Upper- This is the coach or player who is consistantly brown nosing the umpires thinking it will help them down the line. They yell out obscene terms like "Good Call Blue" as if there is such a thing.
"The Instruct-Pire" - This is the umpire who takes 10 minutes in between at bats to instruct every girl on the rules of the game so you get to play 3 innings in a hour 20.
"The Statue of Umpirey" This is the umpire that no matter where the pitch is or the play is being made doesn't move an inch. Game winning play at home, ball rolls behind his left foot, doesn't move, runner on 3rd scores, game over, Scorekeep give the Blue an assist.
"The Lump-pire" This is the 360lb. blue on the bags. His best time from 1st to behind shortstop is 15 minutes. They run faster to the snack bar for the free soda and hot dog.
"The Fun-pire" This is the blue cracking jokes & talking to the fans. Normally more interested in his delivery on the out than the out..
Enough about the umpires.....
Lets talk about...
"Schedule flunkies" These are the guys who schedule the friendlies. They schedule the team coming from Egypt the 7am the 1pm and the 6pm games. They are more interested in keeping teams around for the snack bar to make money than where the teams are driving from.
Here is a good one..
"Centerfold Mommy" This is the single 30u female parent with the 10u tank top $5,000 boob job and the hot link tan who's daughter plays for free & gets all the calls......

You gotta enjoy eagle eye guy, not respond to him. Any one who can see that good deserves some credit.

[DonnieS]

ECSB, awesome list, I was cracking up putting names with each. I am the right field guy, partially because of some suppressed anger issues, sitting away from others helps me from killing them. Have had some others join me, mostly because I bring a large bag of roasted peanuts and I share. The guy who does the book sits besides me - he is probably the most honest guy I've ever known, and on top of that, he is too tough on his own kid, so he asks me for info on my view of hits, errors, that relate to his kid or kids he is close to. Another reason I am in the right field area is that I am on top of the dugout area - or at least I have a view over the dugout area clear of fence and I take my pictures from there.

On our high school team, the coaches have kept some fairly easy to understand rules in place for some time which keeps people from yelling advice, etc. The funny thing, is that the jv parents dont believe they apply to them (some of those that fit the 'other' category above are in there).

But back to the list, great job.