Today's Joke

[Battle]

Lawn Chores

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[jonriv]

Lawn Chores

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

I shared this my wife, she had a very disturbing evil laugh.

[Safebyahare]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[as the world turns]

California

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re the nature of coyotes. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state. The Governor's security agent sues to get her job back claiming gender and racial bias. The trial takes two years and costs $300,000 and the officer wins her case, collects $200,000 in damages plus $250,000 in back pay. The State is then order to rewrite it’s gender and racial discrimination policies costing the state $2 million plus another $5 million to retrain security officers on the new policies.


Texas

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.75 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

[Mark H]

Story stands but it was a .380. A .45 would be a bit heavy while jogging.

[as the world turns]

Not for Dirty Harry

[Mark H]

Fair

[jonriv]

Not for Dirty Harry

He didn't carry a .45 It was a .44 magnum

[Crabby_Bob]

Not for Dirty Harry

It was a .44 magnum

Coyote was not lucky.

[hit4power]

Best coyote hunting story:

For those that don't know Texas coyote hunting, one often hunts with a .223 or .22-250 rifle and a remote controlled "wounded rabbit" bait, basically a fake rabbit that you activate to flop around while calling in the coyote.
Friend of mine was in a blind and working a coyote in. Just as the coyote gets in range, he takes dead aim.....and his cell phone goes off when his wife calls him. Coyote hears his ring tone (Texas Aggie Fight Song) and takes off. Don't think he spoke to her for a week...