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by Battle » Tue Jun 14, 2016 4:21 pm

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"

The boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother."
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by Battle » Sun Jul 31, 2016 5:53 pm

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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by Battle » Tue Aug 02, 2016 4:11 pm

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a--holes."

"What? He had two a--holes?" asked the mortician.

Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two a--holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two a--holes!"
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by Battle » Sat Sep 24, 2016 4:02 pm

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends
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by Battle » Sat Oct 15, 2016 9:47 am

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a big distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls to do something, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bottom and having the balls to say: "You're next, chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both will result in sure death.
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by Battle » Tue Oct 18, 2016 4:36 pm

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."
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by Battle » Sat Oct 22, 2016 12:51 pm

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"No, sir," the clerk replied.

"Interesting." the boss said. "You see, I never did either but yesterday, after you left early to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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by PDad » Sat Oct 29, 2016 11:16 am

No joke. 41 years ago my pledge class built this 4,784 pound sundae with premium Swensen's ice cream as a fundraiser - we made $1,500 on all you could eat for $1. Some guys reported 5 gallon remnants in lab freezers a year later.

Ice Cream Sundae (cropped).jpg
Ice Cream Sundae (cropped).jpg (64.49 KiB) Viewed 7538 times
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by azepfan » Tue Nov 22, 2016 7:48 pm

at the age of 50 I signed up for a gym membership. As I am working out with my personal trainer we both spot a twenty something year old. I look at him and ask "what machine should I start with to get her attention?"
His response was, "A.T.M."
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by Battle » Sun Jan 22, 2017 10:59 am

At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found one little kid crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you sure those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

So innocent.... :lol:
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