Today's Joke

[PairOfAces]

A few non-PC jokes:

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[Battle]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

With just $1 left, she realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. " How will she know what you mean, if you only send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slowly."

[Battle]

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car and began driving around in the country.

At one point, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them. “If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?” she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

“You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “If I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?” The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.

“You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog!”

[Battle]

A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve. The mall was packed with shoppers.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife suddenly noticed her husband was nowhere around. Very upset because they had a lot of shopping left to do, she used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband picked up and in a calm voice said, “Honey do you remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with a diamond necklace ? I told you then we couldn't afford it, but one day I was going to buy you that necklace."

With a pounding heart, the wife started to cry. “Yes, yes, sweetheart, I remember exactly where that jewelry store is located."

The husband said, “Well I'm in the bar right next to it." ...

[Battle]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

[PDad]

Thanks Battle.

Reminds me of the time we spent Christmas with my in-laws. They opened all their presents on the Eve and were just as surprised to see what they received the next morning!

[Battle]

Thanks Battle.

Reminds me of the time we spent Christmas with my in-laws. They opened all their presents on the Eve and were just as surprised to see what they received the next morning!

I love old folks...They make my day. Makes me think, I wish that I just knew what they forgot.

[Battle]

Word Definition

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

[PairOfAces]

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen... I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me, and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren't very friendly there anyway.

[jonriv]

With all this talk about Confederate fags and such, it reminded me of an incident that happened to me at Airborne School in Ft Benning GA.

I went as a cadet and roomed with a fellow cadet(Joe) from my college who was from New York City(with a thick NY/Irish accent) and another cadet from Fayetteville, Arkansas. We all got along great as we went through some real tough training. Joe had a sister in Atlanta who let us borrow it for a weekend. We all drove up to Atlanta in our Southern friends 1973 Green Chevy Impala! After a rough weekend, Joe was driving back to Benning with our friend sleeping in the back. We got pulled over by a Georgia state trooper who walked up to the drivers side window and said "Boy, who do you think you are driving so fast through the State of Georgia?" My good friend Joe(a natural wise-ass) said without skipping a beat,"SHERMAN" I thought to myself "Holy Sh!t" The trooper yelled."Outa the car boys…" and linded us up hands leaning on the car. It took are friend from Arkansas several minutes of explanation "My Yankke friends are unaware of the full implications of the War of Northern Aggression" That along with our high and tight haircuts and military service prevented us from a prolonged jail stay!