Today's Joke

[Battle]

Baghdad was the final of four capitals

How do you know she's a witch?

She looks and is dressed like one?

[jonriv]

She turned me into a newt!

A newt?

I got better....

[PDad]

Heybucket is a modern implementation of this - http://youtu.be/lL9oA1LFoMw.

[Battle]

Heybucket is a modern implementation of this - http://youtu.be/lL9oA1LFoMw.

No it's not....

[Pale Rider]

[Safebyahare]

The Gluv under sports wear.

[Pale Rider]

Signee...Ingrid
Alabama, Linebacker
http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/200 ... eck-12.jpg


...to damn lazy to resize pic today

[PairOfAces]

From the kids say the darnedest things files:

A woman was six months pregnant with her third child. One day her 3-year-old came into the bathroom when she was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
The woman replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," the 3-year-old replied, 'but what's growing in your butt?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh!t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Battle]

From the kids say the darnedest things files:

A woman was six months pregnant with her third child. One day her 3-year-old came into the bathroom when she was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
The woman replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," the 3-year-old replied, 'but what's growing in your butt?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh!t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

To add to that...

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than………………..Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that…………….. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who…………………..gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………..spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box

[Pale Rider]

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.

Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dang dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This poor critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I’m actually married to this pretty distressed looking woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't good looking at all, so do you think you can make her look pretty like Monica?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Dang it man, let's go have another look at that dog!"