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by fastpitchdad05 » Wed Jan 06, 2016 11:52 pm

:lol:
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by PairOfAces » Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:38 pm

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. Moments later the tower land line rang which was answered by one of the employees. A passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone he yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot has had an instant and fatal heart attack. I have grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower put him on the speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!” He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?”

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?”
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Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!
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by PairOfAces » Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:40 pm

Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.

At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
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by PairOfAces » Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:55 pm

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
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by PDad » Wed Jan 13, 2016 11:55 am

Thanks, I think you went 3 for 3!
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by fastpitchdad05 » Wed Jan 13, 2016 3:11 pm

PDad wrote:Thanks, I think you went 3 for 3!


Impressive, But if it were my DD she would have gone 5-5 and hit for the cycle with 11 RBI. ;)
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by as the world turns » Wed Jan 13, 2016 3:54 pm

fastpitchdad05 wrote:
PDad wrote:Thanks, I think you went 3 for 3!


Impressive, But if it were my DD she would have gone 5-5 and hit for the cycle with 11 RBI. ;)


Now you are sounding like JR :shock: :lol:
“Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.” John Wayne
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by Battle » Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 am

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

The desk sergeant says “You’ll get your chance in court, sir.”.

Man says “No, No, No, I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
:lol: :lol:
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by Battle » Wed Mar 09, 2016 6:07 pm

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
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by Battle » Sun Mar 20, 2016 11:16 am

VIRUS ALERT...VIRUS ALERT...TAKE EXTREME CAUTION....


There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should pass on this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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