Follow
Donate to HeyBucket.com - Amount:

Welcome Anonymous !

Your Fastpitch Softball Bible
 

The Pub

Today's Joke

Off topic. Home for jokes and other misc. stuff.
Keep it reasonable.

by Battle » Sun Jan 05, 2014 3:10 pm

I don't know why but this reminds me of Spazsdad for some reason... :D


Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the “same” bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries – “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by Battle » Sun Jan 19, 2014 10:33 am

A man walks into a bar and asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a blonde joke.

The bartender said: "Before you tell that joke look at the end of the bar. Those two ladies down there are a combined 450lbs and they are blonde professional wrestlers.

Now look over to the door our bouncer is 6'8" and is 385lbs and he's blonde.

As for myself, I am a retired marine and I'm blonde. Now are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"

The man said: "That's alright, I don't wanna have to explain it 4 times."
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by PDad » Sat Jan 25, 2014 1:35 pm

Unnecessary censorship video
Image
User avatar
PDad
Premium Member
Premium Member
 
Posts: 3439
Joined: Sun Mar 29, 2009 4:52 pm

by Battle » Fri Feb 14, 2014 11:33 am

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.”

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began. The mother replied, “I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by Battle » Wed Feb 19, 2014 5:10 pm

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by PairOfAces » Fri Feb 21, 2014 8:45 am

A man received a text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I don't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I feel terrible about taking advantage of you, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct.
I meant "wifi", not "wife".
PairOfAces
Premium Member
Premium Member
 
Posts: 214
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2012 4:52 pm
Location: White House Tennessee

by Battle » Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:18 am

PairOfAces wrote:A man received a text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I don't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I feel terrible about taking advantage of you, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct.
I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Oh my... :lol:

A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Oregon Ducks fan and he was an Alabama fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Ducks fan.

He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be a Oregon Ducks fan."

The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"

The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO TROJANS!"
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by GoldElite » Tue Feb 25, 2014 8:53 pm

As you can imagine, with all the "Johnny" jokes, Johnny didn't grow up to be the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Every day after work Johnny always stopped by his favorite watering hole for a beer. And every day Timmy would walk up to Johnny and ask...

"Hey, you seen Bob?"
"Bob who?"
"Bob up and kiss my ass!"

Well Johnny had finally had enough. So he asked his friend Jerry what he should do. Jerry said "next time you see Timmy, ask him if he has seen Eileen. Then say 'I lean over and you kiss my ass'"

Johnny was excited. The next day after work he literally ran to the bar. He walked right up to Timmy.

"Hey Timmy, you seen Eileen."
"Ya, she's with Bob"
"Bob who"
"Bob up and kiss my ass"
User avatar
GoldElite
 
Posts: 127
Joined: Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:51 am

by Battle » Sat Mar 01, 2014 9:56 am

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
User avatar
Battle
 
Posts: 1631
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:40 am

by PDad » Sun Mar 02, 2014 12:10 pm

A man came home after playing golf and his wife asked him how it went.

"It was terrible! Ralph had a heart attack on the 12th tee."

"Oh, that is horrible!"

"Yeah, the rest of the round was hit the ball, drag Ralph, hit the ball, drag Ralph..."
User avatar
PDad
Premium Member
Premium Member
 
Posts: 3439
Joined: Sun Mar 29, 2009 4:52 pm

PreviousNext

Return to The Pub

cron