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by as the world turns » Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:53 pm

jonriv wrote:
as the world turns wrote:Not for Dirty Harry

He didn't carry a .45 :D It was a .44 magnum

Ever since San Francisco became a sanctuary city, Inspector Callahan upgraded to a .45
“Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.” John Wayne
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by Safebyahare » Fri Aug 14, 2015 8:48 am

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

....I love these touching stories !!!
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by Battle » Sun Sep 06, 2015 11:51 am

Once upon time a four-year-old boy was visiting his aunt and uncle and staying over while his parents went on a vacation. He was a very outspoken little boy and often had to be censured to say the right thing at the right time.

One day at lunch, when the aunt had company, the little boy said, “Auntie, I want to tinkle.” Auntie took the little boy aside and said, “Never say that, sonny. If you want to tinkle, say, ‘I want to whisper.’” And the incident was forgotten.

That night when Uncle and Auntie were soundly sleeping, the little boy climbed into bed with them. He tugged at his uncle’s shoulder and said, “Uncle, I want to whisper.” Uncle said, “All right, sonny, just don’t wake Auntie up. Whisper in my ear.” So the little boy did.
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by Battle » Wed Sep 30, 2015 5:08 pm

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. WTF?!!!
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by Battle » Sun Oct 25, 2015 9:38 pm

I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenage girl sitting next to him. The girl had spiked hair in all different colors - blue, red, green and orange.

My dad kept staring at her and the girl would look at my dad. When she had enough of his staring, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.

In his classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid: "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
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by PairOfAces » Sun Oct 25, 2015 9:41 pm

:lol:

Battle wrote:I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenage girl sitting next to him. The girl had spiked hair in all different colors - blue, red, green and orange.

My dad kept staring at her and the girl would look at my dad. When she had enough of his staring, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.

In his classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid: "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
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by Battle » Thu Nov 26, 2015 9:28 pm

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

Happy Thanksgiving! :D
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by PairOfAces » Thu Dec 10, 2015 5:51 pm

A private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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by Battle » Thu Dec 10, 2015 6:07 pm

:lol: :lol: Talk about a potty mouth...

PairOfAces wrote:A private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bath tub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful forever."

The milkman asked, "Do you still want it "pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
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by Battle » Wed Jan 06, 2016 6:50 pm

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "Praise the Lord!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for god to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord. God I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please Lord, send me some groceries!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Praise the Lord."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
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