Today's Joke

[Battle]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short."

[NumeroUno]

lol

[Battle]

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond. “Bob is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it's me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

[jtat32]

I have a similar agreement with my wife. If I go first and report back that I'm at a high school softball game, she will know that I didn't make the cut at St. Peter's Gate.

[Safebyahare]

A blonde speeder is pulled over by a blonde police officer.

The blonde cop says "I need to see your license". The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says "I can't find it. What does it look like?".

So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says "it's rectangular, and has your picture on it". The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror.

She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go" the blonde cop says.

"I didn't realize you were a cop".

[PairOfAces]

In honor of last night's four hundred million lottery:

A very religious man decided that he wanted to win the lottery and use the money to fund a new orphanage and pay medical bills for his ailing mother. Since it was all for noble causes he was sure that God would hear his prayers. So he prayed very sincerely to win the lottery every night and every morning for 12 years.

After his mother had passed away, and he had lost his interest in an orphanage, he was still praying, but he was losing his faith in God. So, finally, in a last ditch, desperate plea, he prayed, "God, I have been praying to you very sincerely for 12 years! I will use the money for a good cause! Why haven't you made it so I win the lottery ?!?!?! I am losing all faith in you !!!"

Then he heard the awesome voice of God speak directly to him:

"Help me out here a little; YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST BUY A TICKET!"

[Battle]

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?

[Battle]

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more–would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you try to fix it for me?” Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running. Would you check on it?” And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, “Honey, I had the repairmen out today.” He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?”

“Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.” “Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked. She smiled. “What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”

[Battle]

Chevy has added wires to the rear window to clear fog and frost.

Dodge is adding wires under the wipers so they can be freed when frozen and not burn up the motor.

But Ford is adding the wire elements to the tailgates on all of their trucks to keeps your hands warm while you’re pushing!

[Battle]

On New Year’s Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.