20 Things That Make You a Man

[Trophy Hunter]

1. Opening jars. - nnng… she’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work.

2. Referring to someone as ’son’ - Especially a cop, but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. Playing strong D with your hips and shoulders - and calling out “No harm no foul!!" as your boy hits the deck.

4. Drinking up - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a mug in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you’re hard.

5. Having a scar - Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt?”. “Nah… I’m used to it”. I got one. You don’t.

6. Having a hangover and thick stubble. - When girls have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. “Big night?” Grrr…

7. Nodding at the police - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”, it says, “but someone’s got to keep the little bastards in line”.

8. Using power tools - slightly more powerful than you need, or can safely handle. Wearing a shirt is not an option, and you drill because wood was made for beating, and drilling.

9. Arriving at the bar late - and everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your boys are a$$holes. However, the rest of the pub doesn’t know that.

10. Not watching your weight - fat is a feminist issue. Brilliant. Now pass the 20oz porterhouse.

11. Carving the turkey - and asking “Are you a leg or breast man?” to the fellas and “Do you want stuffing?” to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

12. Winking - turns women to putty.

13. Taking out $500 from the ATM - Do you need it? Who fucking cares. What you do need though is to feel gangsta. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

14. Phone calls that last less than a minute - unlike women, men get straight to the point. “Yo. Sup. Drink? Yep. Usual place? Yep. Seven? Yep. Peace.”

15. Parallel parking - straight in, first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you a better driver.

16. Having earned that drink - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

17. Having something really wrong with you - especially if you didn’t make a fuss. “Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain tumor”.

18. Knowing which screwdriver is which - “A Phillips? For that? Do you even know what the f!&k you’re doing!?”

19. Taking a newspaper to the toilet - a visual cue that says “That’s right, I’m going in there to take a huge, long man-sized dump”.

20. Starting the lawnmover, first time, one clean pull on that line - BAM, you’re cutting grass. It’s good to be a man.

*Edited to fix the bad words.

[Left Bench]

Yeahhhh... Now that's REAL man stuff!!!